By Cesar A., Reporter
The following is a parody. Read it. P-A-R-O-D-Y. We are not being serious. Please, nobody be mad at us, hate us, or arrest us as a result of this failed attempt at humor.
ROCKLAND COUNTY, NY — President Donald Trump is expected to visit Rockland County on Friday, May 22, in what local reports say will be an official White House event with Congressman Mike Lawler, proving once again that Rockland County may be small, but the County is still apparently important enough to ruin traffic routes on a holiday weekend.
The event is scheduled for 3 p.m. at the Eugene Levy Fieldhouse at Rockland Community College in Suffern, with doors opening at 11 a.m., according to the event registration page. Which means, naturally, some people will try (and fail) to arrive at 4:30 a.m. as if it were the open to Black Friday Holiday shopping, because in Rockland we treat parking the same way our grandparents treated canned goods: better to have too much than be caught without it.
Local outlets report that Trump will appear alongside Lawler, who represents New York’s 17th Congressional District. Spectrum News reported the event is expected to focus on the economy, including the SALT deduction cap increase from $10,000 to $40,000. This makes sense, because nothing says “middle-class suburban affordability” like explaining taxes while half the county is trying to figure out whether they can still afford salt at Shoprite.
The visit is also historic. Rockland Report noted that it is believed to be the first presidential visit to Rockland County in nearly five decades, with the last visit coming from Gerald Ford on Oct. 13, 1976, during his reelection campaign. That was so long ago that many current residents had lower property taxes, less knee pain, and no EZ-Pass balances.
Of course, the most important local question is not political. It is: “What roads should I avoid?” Monsey Scoop reported that the visit is expected to bring heightened security, traffic congestion, and road closures. WPDH warned that the Friday before Memorial Day weekend is already busy, and possible affected routes could include I-287, the Palisades Interstate Parkway, Route 59, I-87, and local roads around RCC, depending on travel plans. So basically: leave now.
The weather, at least, appears to be trying to behave. Friday afternoon in Suffern is forecast to be partly sunny and in the mid-60s, which is very presidential weather: not too hot, not too cold, and just cloudy enough for everyone to blame each other for their personal beliefs on social media afterward.
(By the way…I’m referring to both the left and the right. Also center. Also, a little bit to the left of center, a little bit to the right of center. You get my point.)
The timing also lands on the beginning of Shavuos, a detail RocklandNews.com and Monsey Scoop both noted, adding another layer of local scheduling complexity in a county where the calendar already requires a rabbi, a school superintendent, and three group chats to interpret.
As for why the President is coming to Rockland, theories are everywhere. Maybe it is the tax discussion. Maybe it is the competitive congressional district. Maybe someone told him the bagels here are excellent. Maybe he heard about the Palisades Mall and wanted to see whether it is still confusing inside. All are possible.
Still, whatever one’s politics, a presidential visit is a rare moment for Rockland County. The office deserves respect. The motorcade deserves security. And the residents deserve advance warning, a full tank of gas, and permission to complain dramatically in at least two languages.
So welcome to Rockland, Mr. President. Please enjoy the Fieldhouse, the Hudson Valley scenery, and, if possible, do not schedule the motorcade anywhere near my daughter’s pickup time.
Because around here, democracy is important — but after-school traffic is still undefeated.
