Editor’s note: This post is not serious. If you think it is, please leave the Internet now.
By Jeffrey Babcock
PEARL RIVER, NY – The following was found in our inbox on Saturday morning, August 16th. It has been prioritized, circulated, approved by our editorial team, and is being re-read a few times today. You know, to check spelling.
Special thanks to Jeffrey Babcock, who submitted this piece.
Rockland News has fallen on hard times due to the owner’s penchant for speaking his mind on Facebook. (this article is sponsored by 202 Cannabis by the way). The company was thereafter seen scrambling to do damage control, dusty vinyl collections were being sold, an unusual investment in shrimp farming was scrapped. I mean, f$@#, what were we going to do? Collaborate with [REDACTED] in West Nyack? Make Ed Day bobbleheads? Things were dire. Rockland News’ finest, an army of chimpanzees, could not figure out a way forward for the company.
Depressed, dazed and confused, and on the verge of giving up, Tom the owner once again turned to his close confidante, Mary Jane. In between gawking at one of those New Jersey drone things (it was the moon) and relistening to his Queens of the Stone Age album Songs for the Deaf for the bajillionth time to remind himself he’s still young (49 is not old, damnit!), Tom concocted a genius plan to raise this company from the dead.
Start a comedy section. A Rockland version of the Hard Times (much love, please don’t sue). The pure, unfiltered genius from people that are not him. That is exactly what Rockland News needed. I mean, nothing frickin’ happens in Rockland county, the most eventful thing to happen was some guy crashing into the same bank twice (somehow) so let’s add some spice into our quiet little suburbian utopia!
To this end, Rockland News hired Jeff. The greatest comedian they had ever met (note: the author of this article may be biased) was now one of them, the army of chimpanzees.
So here they are, posting our first comedy article. The masses are laughing and Rockland News is in the green once again. They’re even going public soon! Life is good.
Jeffrey Babcock lives in Rockland County, New York. He is a video production engineer, and a proud graduate of SUNY Rockland.
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